Wednesday, May 27, 2009

An Open Letter to People who like Breakfast for Dinner

Dear person who loves breakfast for dinner,

I don't understand your mixed up ways. You spend a long day at the office or at school, come home ready for dinner and what do you find but bacon, eggs, and pancakes... at 6 o'clock at night. What gives?

I know you go crazy over Breakfast for Dinner. You are all like, "Oh boy, a big country breakfast for the third meal of the day." But if you ask me, I hate it. Sunny side up after the sun has set? No thanks. I hate Breakfast for Dinner.

It's just too complicated. First of all, what do you drink with this confusing meal? I personally like iced tea with dinner. But can you drink tea with pancakes? Am I forced into a glass of orange juice? What if I want a Coke? Now all of a sudden I look stupid drinking a carbonated beverage with grits. That has to be a potentially dangerous combination anyway. Kind of like pop rocks and Pepsi.

Not to mention what this out of whack meal must do to your digestive system. Breakfast was created to be a heavy meal, something a construction worker could chow down on that would "stick to the ribs" all day. It's not a good idea to throw down a short stack before you sit on the couch and watch 3 hours of TV.

Another reason I don't like it is that it isn't as versatile as you think. If you claim to be such a free thinker when it comes to your meal schedule, why not add Dinner for Breakfast to your diet? Who wouldn't want to roll out of bed, stumble into the kitchen and watch the morning news while eating corn on the cob? Want to do something nice for that special someone? They're sure to love chicken strips in bed. How about a nice hot bowl of vegetable soup to get you out the door? See, your system is a lot more oppressive than you realize. You hypocrite!

There really aren't too many clear guidelines on what menu items are allowed during Breakfast for Dinner either. I'm assuming that you are fine with bacon and eggs and probably pancakes. But what about donuts? Cinnamon rolls? Cold pizza? Cereal? Who eats cereal for dinner? I'll tell you who. Pot heads eat cereal for dinner.

In the end, I think I know what your problem is. You aren't a bad person. You are just a little confused. I can't blame you. You have probably been eating Breakfast for Dinner since you were a child. The good Lord knows that my parents tried to push the system on me. But we all have to come to a point where we can no longer justify our actions by claiming it "was just how I was raised." In the end, you need to get your definitions straight. You don't want Breakfast for Dinner. You want bacon and eggs for dinner.

You can eat green eggs and ham for all I care.

But leave me out of it.

Serving breakfast until 11:00 am,
Eric Epperson


torrie said...

just for that, tonight we're not having tortellini - we're having waffles. ha!

Amy said...

Breakfast for dinner is cheap, easy, quick and yummy. Sometimes, after a long day with the kids it's all I (we) can muster up. Plus serving pancakes and bacon guarantees that Noah will actually eat dinner. Why don't you rant about deviled eggs next? Or have you changed your mind about that one? And don't worry, we will NEVER serve you guys BFD. We wouldn't dare.

Jacob Epperson said...

Breakfast for dinner was my favorite meal of the day. Now all I get is rice and cold meat.

Ryan Claborn said...


You are right on. My wife loves to make pancakes for dinner. In our house, that is code for "You're on your own big guy." Thankfully I always stock plenty of sandwich materials in case I need to have lunch for dinner. Somehow that seems less strange / counter-productive.