My brother made a spur of the moment visit to see us this weekend. To be perfectly honest, his visits are always welcomed but still rare. I always enjoy conversations with him, which typically drift to what he's reading, his clients, his creepy apartment, and the young lady that he recently asked out... only to realize that she is married, or expecting twins, or just downright not interested.
He is very good natured about his single status. If you ask me, he should be. He's ambitious, in grad school, and shouldn't care if he is the last of his friends to get married. Who says you have to do things in a certain order or by a certain time? And that's coming from the guy who is the last of his college friends to have kids. I told him that he should be single as long as he wants.
He agrees, and though he is by no means desperate, he is tired of being invited to join newly-married small groups at church. I reminded him that he needs to put himself in places where he can meet women. Which, obviously rule out these small groups.
"I do" he said. "I only get my hair cut by women. It's a perfect set up. They are a captive audience and I can clearly see their ring finger. Plus, I'm guaranteed 20 minutes to work up the nerve to say something."
When that comment came out over lunch today, I realized that this conversation would be heading south fast. I didn't want to encourage creepiness. But before I could change the subject or distract him with a shiny object, my wife stepped in.
Here's the backstory. She is just as interested as he is in adding another female to the family gatherings. Who can blame her? Listen to two brothers talk about stupid things long enough and anyone would want to even out the gender population. She also has some serious buy-in. The way she sees it, if she is going to be an aunt to this hypothetical woman's future children, she should have a hand in picking her out.
With everything but a checklist in hand, she asked him what he was looking for. At first, he was quick to fire back with only three requirements. 1. Between 20 and 30. 2. No kids. 3. Kinda cute. And let's be honest, I personally think the third might be negotiable.
"That's it?" I asked.
"Pretty much sums it up, right?" he shrugged.
I pushed back, "No. That tells us nothing. C'mon, there has to be more than that. Everyone has a list, right?"
"Well," he started, "They have to be between 20 and..."
"Yes, yes, we get that." I interrupted, "What else?"
He continued, "Okay, there are a few things..."
For the next few minutes, he rattled off a list of qualities at a rate that I wasn't expecting. It almost made me think that he had thought about this before. Some of these things I didn't expect. For instance, he said that it would nice if she was Greek. I'm not sure why. I'm also not sure why it was so high up the list. She also shouldn't fiddle with her hair that much.
"Fiddle with her hair? What does that mean?" I asked, keeping in mind that my brother uses strange words for things sometimes.
"You know, dying it a lot." He spoke like everyone knows that "fiddling" means using a lot of hair product.
She has to like going to the theater. No, not the movie theater but the "real" theater, as he put it. You heard it right, folks. My brother wants a girl who is into thespians. Also, she should be athletic... but not too athletic... and she can't be taller than him. Even in heels.
The list grew over the next few minutes. She should like to read. Be willing to play board games. Like to travel. When he finished, we told him that the list wasn't too unrealistic and that we'd keep our eyes open. I also told him that maybe he shouldn't get a haircut for a while. Never hit on a woman while she is holding a pair of scissors. It's too risky.
It was fun talking to him about all of these hypothetical scenarios. We all love to talk and dream about what could be, even if it never comes true. Now, of course I'm not saying that my brother will never get married. That's completely unrealistic. But it is helpful to remember that he probably won't fall in love with a theater-loving, Greek tennis player. I'm not sure if anyone ever finds that person who meets every last item on their list.
Maybe that's because the person on our list doesn't exist. Does your wife give you a thirty minute massage everyday? Maybe that's because the person on our list isn't what we actually need. Do you really need a thirty minute massage everyday? Or maybe, when the time comes that we meet the right person, we tear up the old list and write a brand new one.
I think it's probably a little of all three. But until we know for sure, I told my brother that I'd be on the lookout for a theater-loving Greek tennis player.
Qualified applicants apply below.