We awoke yesterday to a thick blanket of frozen water sprinkled carelessly over the entire known world. Or at least it seemed that way. From my perspective, everyone I knew was snowed in. Some people called it the worst snowstorm we’d seen in years. Friends from OKC to Tulsa to Columbia, MO were stuck in their houses. Major highways were shut down. The Joplin mall was even closed. The apocalypse was underway.
To some, this was a gift from the Lord on high. I on the other hand, believe this was actually his divine wrath. He was no doubt punishing our liberal country weeks after repealing DADT and on the eve before the Senate passed ObamaCare. Gays in the military! Poor people with affordable healthcare options! Can’t you see that we brought this winter storm on ourselves?!? Turn or burn… eh… well, turn or freeze at least.
We all had a lot of time on our hands while we took cover from this freezing precipitation of judgment. You can tell a lot about a person based on how they combat cabin fever. We live in a pretty fast paced culture. Only when we are sick or snowed in do we stay indoors for days on end. Actually, I only wear sweatpants and drink Sprite when I am sick or snowed in as well. For the record, I am wearing sweatpants right now. And yes, they are the kind with ankle cuffs.
ANYWAY, how did I spend my time? Well, knowing that this was going to be an epic winter storm, one that my kids would someday ask, “where were you during Blizzaster 2011”, I kept a journal. A minute-by-minute log of what I did with my two days of winter captivity.
Am I really going to share it here? With you? Of course I am, silly.
Tuesday 6:59am: Woke up. Looked outside. Returned text message regarding office closing. Went back to sleep.
Tuesday 9:01am: Woke up. Took a shower. Shaved neck during shower.
Tuesday 9:14am: Dried off. Got dressed.
Tuesday 9:40am: Ate two pieces of toast and drank a glass of tea. Breakfast of champions.
Tuesday 10:09am: Went to the garage. Acquired firewood. Started fire in fireplace.
Tuesday 10:31am: Sat still.
Tuesday 10:32am: Began feeling lazy. Registered for Chicago marathon. Probably overreacted a little on that one.
Tuesday 10:56am: Smelled smoke. Realized chimney flue wasn’t open. Moment of panic followed by coughing. Opened several windows. Forgot to open the flue.
Tuesday 11:01am: Felt like I had forgotten something. Remembered to open the flue.
Tuesday 11:07am: Started reading a book about raising daughters. Began feeling overwhelmed. Put down book. Started playing Xbox.
Tuesday 12:03pm: Lunch
Tuesday 1:19pm: Surfed through DVR recordings. Caught up on everything I hadn’t watched, which included Piers Morgan interviewing Joel Osteen, a 60 Minutes episode from December and a football game from 2008.
Tuesday 3:11pm: Gazed longingly out window at nothing in particular. Pondered unanswerable questions.
Tuesday 3:34pm: Taught myself how to play the Doogie Howser, MD theme song on the keyboard.
Tuesday 5:21pm: More reading about raising daughters. Did you know girls with strong father figures are less likely to have eating disorders? It's true. And on that note...
Tuesday 7:01pm: Dinner.
Tuesday 8:01pm: Almost watched Jersey Shore. Almost.
Tuesday 8:23pm: Watched Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs via Netflix instant streaming.
Tuesday 10:03pm: Bed.
Wednesday 6:59am: Woke up. Replied to text message about office being closed. Felt baby kicks (best part of the day, everyday). Went back to sleep.
Wednesday 8:01am: Woke up again. Got out of bed.
Wednesday 8:10am: Looked outside at the snow. Cursed the gods.
Wednesday 8:23am: Checked email, facebook and twitter accounts.
Wednesday 8:58am: Ate an apple, two pieces of toast and a generic sandwich cookie for breakfast. Chased it with a glass of tea. Breakfast of second place finishers.
Wednesday 9:14am: Dug ski clothes out of crate in the basement.
Wednesday 9:39am: Grabbed snow shovel, began shoveling 20 inches of snow off driveway.
Wednesday 11:01am: Shoveling.
Wednesday 12:45pm: Shoveling.
Wednesday 1:56pm: Shoveling.
Wednesday 2:14pm: Lunch.
Wednesday 3:30pm: Shoveling.
Wednesday 4:45pm: Shoveling.
Wednesday 5:01pm: Pulled car out to test driveway accessibility. Got car stuck. Discovered pregnant women are no good at pushing cars out of the snow.
Wednesday 5:29pm: Got car back in the garage.
Wednesday 5:56pm: Showered. Used wife’s pomegranate body wash. Felt refreshed. Air dried. Put clothes on.
Wednesday 6:12pm: Walked 5 blocks to pick up pizza.
Wednesday 7:01pm: Dinner.
Wednesday 8:12pm: More reading about raising daughters.
Wednesday 9:01pm: Angry birds.
Wednesday 9:24pm: Decided I should write down this blog before I forget this historic event.
I forget what happened after that… but I am sure it wasn’t very exciting.