I get a lot of grief for being anti-Christmas because of my “no Christmas music before Thanksgiving” stance. But the truth is, I love Christmas. And I love Christmas music. Nothing transports you back to holidays gone by quite like a good Christmas carol. And between you and me, I have been listening to a steady stream of holiday cheer for weeks now.
However, there is one Christmas song on rotation that troubles me. It’s not that it’s not catchy. Honestly, I like the song but that doesn’t give me permission to stand silently anymore. Truth be told, it is downright creepy. And for the love, I don’t understand why no one else sees this.
The song is “Baby, it’s Cold Outside” and it is wrong on every level. Performed as a duet between a bubbly girl and charming fellow, this song is intended to portray the innocence of young, newfound love. It’s Christmas. You’re in love. What could be more magical?
Here’s the story. A guy has convinced a girl to come back to his place and is wooing her with his charm. Things are going well, but suddenly, she notices that it is late and she must go home. Needing an excuse to get her to stay the night, he claims that it is cold outside and therefore she must stay. Makes sense right? After all, women are terrible drivers in the snow. Besides, this is all in harmless fun, right?
No. Not at all. What people fail to see in this song is just how much the girl really wants to leave. She is scared and already regretting that second cup of eggnog. Also lost in the Christmas cheer is how desperate the guy is to keep her there. Alone in his apartment. Where no one can hear her scream.
If you would read into this song a little more, you would see that this is a Christmas song about a desperately lonely man attempting to take advantage of a young woman. Still can’t see it? Well, I can help you out. Through extensive research, I have uncovered the “hidden, implied lyrics” of this song. These lost words appear in parenthesis below, right next to the more familiar lyrics. Though they had been lost for years, they clearly tell the untold and true story of what is really going on in this Christmas classic.
Woman: I really can’t stay (Well, I should be heading home.)
Man: Baby, it’s cold outside (You’re leaving already? What? It’s still early. And it’s cold outside.)
Woman: I’ve got to go away (Yeah, I have work in the morning.)
Man: Baby, it’s cold outside (But it’s like… 45 degrees outside!)
Woman: This evening has been (You’re a sweet guy… aggressive, but sweet…)
Man: Been hoping that you’d drop in (C’mon stay. Why don’t you come sit down with me on the kitchen couch?)
Woman: So very nice (and thanks for showing me your samurai sword collection. It is... um... vast.)
Man: I’ll hold your hands; they’re just like ice (Your hands are cold, do you have lupus?)
Woman: My mother will start to worry (Oh look, my mom is calling my cellphone.)
Man: Beautiful, what’s your hurry? (Probably won’t be able to answer that. Reception is bad out here. Don’t know about you but my carphone doesn’t work out here. Something to do with the arsenic in the ground water.)
Woman: My father will be pacing the floor (Did I mention my dad’s the district attorney?)
Man: Listen to the fireplace roar (I thought we’d watch Saw 4 and pour this candle wax on my chest.)
Woman: So really I’d better scurry (No thanks. This is getting weird. I should go.)
Man: Beautiful, please don’t hurry (Beautiful, what’s the rush? Oh, I know. Wanna see something cool? Who has one and a half thumbs and a bellybutton ring? I do.)
Woman: Well maybe just a half a drink more (I don’t know what this tasteless and odorless liquid is but… sure, I’ll drink it.)
Man: Put some music on while I pour (Cool. You like Insane Clown Posse?)
Woman: The neighbors might think (Does anyone live in that house on the hill?)
Man: Baby, it’s bad out there (No. Not since the raid. Just keep drinking.)
Woman: Say, what’s in that drink (This tastes weird… why is the room spinning?)
Man: No cabs to be had out there (Oh by the way, there’s no public transportation out here in the country. Police barely even come out here too. Just, uh, so you know.)
Woman: I wish I knew how (Okay, enough is enough. And don’t touch my knee.)
Man: Your eyes are like starlight (Your eyes are like starlight.)
Woman: To break the spell (What does that mean?)
Man: I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell (Ah, never mind. Okay. Kinda weird question. Can I just put just a little piece of your hair in my mouth? Not to eat. Just to taste.)
Woman: I ought to say no, no, no sir (No you can’t... What’s that smell? How many ferrets do you own anyway?)
Man: Mind if I move a bit closer (Did you know this couch converts into a bed? They call it a futon. Pretty convenient huh? You know, for the sex-making.)
Woman: At least I’m gonna say that I tried (That’s enough, I’m leaving.)
Man: What’s the sense of hurting my pride? (If you leave me, I’ll come to your house, kidnap your cat, dress it in baby clothes, put it in a stroller and take it to the park to mourn the fact that our children will never be born. Then I will kill it.)
Woman: I really can’t stay (I really can’t stay.)
Man: Baby don’t hold out (C’mon, just one kiss and you can go. On the mouth. While wearing these Yoda ears. And I get to keep my eyes open.)
Together: Ahh, but it’s cold outside (Ahh, but it’s cold outside.)
I could go on but the song really goes downhill from there. In the next verse, the guy actually states that her “lips look delicious.” I seriously doubt that has anything to do with lip gloss. And even if it does, the damage is already done.
Merry Christmas. I hope you get everything you want this year.
Especially a restraining order.