The Devil's Thoughts on Chick Fil-a

In recent weeks, Chick Fil-a has been in the midst of public relations firestorm after president Dan Cathy voiced opposition to gay marriage. While the historically conservative fast food chain is bracing for backlash from the gay community and national media, conservatives are rallying in support of the Atlanta-based company. At the center of the hysteria, one has to wonder, “What does the Devil think about all this?” Luckily, I was able to catch up with the Prince of Darkness and ask him myself.

Musing Carnival: Thanks again for agreeing to meet with me. You mind if I record this?

The Devil: Don’t mind at all. But just an FYI, when you play it back, it’ll just sound like white noise.

MC: Noted.

D: Just don’t want you to be surprised.

MC: Are you doing well?

D: Can’t complain. Business is good. Hey, you mind if I smoke?

MC: Not at all.

D: [pulling out a lighter from his coat pocket] So what’s on your mind this time?

MC: I’d like to talk to you about the Chick Fil-a gay marriage debate.

D: I heard about that. What’s the deal again?

MC: Well, Dan Cathy, the president of Chick Fil-a, publically stated a few weeks ago that his company supported the traditional view of the family and opposed gay marriage.

D: [lighting his cigarette] And this guy’s a Christian right?

MC: Oh yeah. Big time.

D: And everyone knew this?

MC: Yes.

D: Hold on. Isn’t Chick Fil-a closed on Sundays?

MC: Yes. Drives a lot of people crazy, actually.

D: Don’t get me started on places being closed on Sundays. Everything is closed on Sundays in hell. Except for Subway. I’m so sick of Subway.

MC: Anyway, yes, Cathy believes closing on Sundays is the right thing to do.

D: Let me get this straight. Someone asked a Southern Baptist who, because of his religious beliefs, closes his restaurants on Sundays, about his views on gay marriage and then they got all worked up because he answered like they knew he would? That’s what this is about?

MC: Well, it’s actually been pretty divisive. The homosexual community is planning a series of protests later this week. A group in Chicago is organizing a “kiss in” at the downtown Chicago location.

D: Ugh. Now listen, I obviously don’t have anything against gay people. And I’m not one to judge. But I don’t need to watch a bunch of people kiss simultaneously. I mean seriously, get a room. Or rooms, I guess.

MC: Some Evangelicals are nervous about the fallout.

D: Well, you guys need to do something to even the score. Have you thought about boycotting KFC?

MC: That won’t solve anything.

D: Yeah, I guess you’re right. I’m just brainstorming here… but seriously, have you seen those Famous Bowls? It’s mashed potatoes, corn, chicken, and who knows what else. I should get my friends at Westboro Baptist to hold up “God Hates Waistlines” signs in a KFC parking lot. Talk about an abomination!

MC: Have you tried one?

D: Oh, no. Not with my cholesterol.

MC: Some Christians did try to boycott Starbucks when Howard Schultz said that the company was in favor of gay marriage.

D: [laughs] Riiiight… I knew that wouldn’t catch on. That’s what makes this boycotting thing so silly. At the end of the day, brand loyalty trumps a soapbox.

MC: That’s a little harsh.

D: No it isn’t. Believe me, if a report came out claiming that holding an iPhone up to your ear could potentially turn a person gay, the first thought on most Christians’ minds would be, “But what if I use the earbuds?” Stand up for the sanctity of marriage or play Draw Something? Sounds like a toss up.

MC: Maybe. But a lot of Christians are planning on eating at Chick Fil-a this week as a way to show their support.

D: Yes! This is what makes it so perfect for you guys! I’m sure most Evangelicals are like, “So all I have to do to voice my opinion is eat more fried chicken? Finally! A cause I can get behind!”

MC: Everyone wins.

D: You guys love activism when it earns you cool points along the way. Personally, I think Toms look ridiculous. And the arch support is terrible. But what do I know? I’ve had a handlebar mustache since the 1600’s but no one would ever call me a hipster.

MC: But you can’t argue with Chick Fil-a’s practices. They are a topnotch company, maybe the best in the fast food industry. They treat their employees well and do things the right way. All built on integrity and superb customer service.

D: I know. I love it. But I have to ask, why would a fast food restaurant need to have an official stance on this issue anyway?

MC: Because, for some reason or another, this has become the hot button issue of our time.

D: But why? Everyone has an opinion. Billy Graham recently went as far as to compare America to Sodom and Gomorrah.

MC: That’s true.

D: Believe me. I remember Sodom and Gomorrah. That place was crazy! You guys have Target. A country that has a Target off of every exit can’t be compared to Sodom and Gomorrah.

MC: Graham believes that the government is rebelling against God.

D: [laughs] Of course it is! That’s what governments do. I invented that trick. I just don’t use apples anymore. But really, when did you guys start caring so much about what the government thought anyway?

MC: Most Christians believe that we need to be the moral voice of America.

D: So this is the hill you die on? What about poverty? Or fatherlessness? Those seem to be wrecking the family unit pretty well too. Can I let you in on a little secret?

MC: Yes.

D: I’m off destroying families one at a time while Christians are all bent out of shape because there is a gay kid on Glee. What in the name of Neil Patrick Harris is wrong with you guys?

MC: This is a big deal because most Christians believe that the Bible commands that marriage should only be between a man and a woman.

D: Yeah, I know. I’ve read the Bible. Gets really weird at the end.

MC: And if we are really a Christian nation…

D: [interjects] … But you’re not a Christian nation! Your country was founded on the idea that people could make up their own minds about what to believe.

MC: True.

D: And, to further prove my point, your Constitution grants equality for all people. Doesn’t that include gay people?

MC: It does. But speaking of the Constitution, it’s pretty unconstitutional for local leaders to block Chick Fil-a from opening stores in Chicago and Boston. Seems to be in direct violation of the First Amendment. Thoughts?

D: [shrugs] I’m more of a “right to bear arms” guy, myself.

MC: C’mon. I’m not letting you off the hook on this one. Do you agree with me that preventing Chick Fil-a stores from opening is too far?

D: Yes. But the entire thing is too far. It’s downright comical. Look, I’ll put it this way. I personally love what Dan Cathy said.

MC: You do?

D: Do you see how ironic this whole thing is? Jesus, who I’ll admit, I don’t get at all, ate with whores. And not just the pretty ones either! And you’ve got a guy practically telling gay people that they aren’t welcome to come in and purchase his product and widening the gap between Christians and homosexuals. Dude! Just sell chicken.

MC: In fairness, Cathy does have a right to believe whatever he wants.

D: Absolutely. Which, on the other hand, is what drives me crazy about gay people. I just want to tell them, be as gay as you want to be! But it’s like tolerance isn’t enough for them. Face it. People are going to disagree with you. Everyone has that right.

MC: I think there are some Christians trying to build bridges and encouraging open dialogue.

D: Which is why I love this whole ordeal. It’s bad PR for you Christians, really. You guys have your own music. Now you have your own fast food. Keep building that bubble, guys. My goal is to get the two sides to stop talking.

MC: I’m sure most Christians are a little embarrassed by some of the Christian music out there.

D: Really? Why? Honest to goodness, “Place in this World” gets me every time.

MC: That might surprise a few people.

D: Man, I hate that stereotype. Honestly, most “devil worship” music is too hardcore for me. I can’t even understand what they are saying half the time. But give me some Kenny Chesney and I’m set.

MC: Well, I appreciate your thoughts. Anything you’re working on that you’d like to tell us about?

D: Other than keeping Obama’s Nigerian birth certificate under wraps?

MC: Yes. Other than that.

D: In that case, no. Nothing new. Still trying to get every female between the ages of 15 and 25 to use the word, “presh” a thousand times a day.

MC: You coined that?

D: Totes! That word is straight from the depths of hell.

MC: That explains a lot actually.

D: And here’s a new one. If something is so cute that it makes you sad, call it “depreshing.” Make sense?

MC: I think we’re done here.

Study Claims America’s Women Not Ready for Shorts Weather

EDMOND, OK – In a recent survey, nearly 100% of Caucasian women, ages 16-34, admitted that their legs are “not yet ready for shorts weather.” According to the Patriotic Association of Short and Tall Youths, or PASTY, opting to wear jeans in nearly 80-degree weather so as to not “blind everyone” is an annual tradition for most women. “Ugh” stated 23 year-old nursing student Jenna Brown. “There’s no way I’m wearing shorts until I get some color on my legs.” Yet most of the women surveyed failed to see the paradox they encounter each spring. Psychologist Harvey Brennan explains, “One cannot get any sun on one’s legs unless one wears shorts. And yet, one won’t wear shorts because one’s legs don’t have enough sun on them. This poses a problem.” As dire as the situation may seem, clinical experts are urging women to find solutions quickly. Dr. Matthew DiCarlo, a licensed dermatologist, spoke with the Musing Carnival about the crisis. “Yes, melanoma is extremely dangerous,” Dr. DiCarlo pointed out, “but seriously, girlfriend… is your skin grey? How is that even possible? You’ve got to get some tan on those legs... lookin’ all like Casper up in here.” It appears that the great melanin struggle will continue for the nation’s women. However, sources suggest that some women have opted to take matters into their own hands. Ruth Anne Bradshaw, mother of four, has sworn off shorts all together. “Darling, shorts are for Tri Delts and prostitutes.” Ms. Bradshaw added, “Wearing capri pants all summer has multiple blessings. But the biggest perk? I haven’t shaved past my knees since the first Bush administration.” At press time, Ms. Bradshaw claimed that no pun was intended.

The Devil's Thoughts on Tim Tebow

Few players in all of professional sports are as polarizing as Tim Tebow. Fans love him. The media hates him. But what makes Tim Tebow mania so fascinating is that the strong feelings have just as much to do with his personal convictions as his performance on the field. A devout Christian, Tebow credits Jesus for the Broncos miraculous (pardon the pun) streak. With this in mind, I wanted to get to the bottom of the spiritual warfare on the gridiron and caught up with someone who could give some insight, The Devil. Being a busy time of the year, we met at the TGI Friday’s in the Tulsa International Airport before a recent flight.

The Devil: How’s it hanging? Potato skin?

Musing Carnival: No thanks. I just ate. Where are you headed?

D: Nowhere. I hate flying. I just come to the airport every so often and hang out by the TSA body scanners. [laughs] It is a riot!

MC: I see. So, you have a few minutes to talk?

D: For you? Of course. But not too long. I want to get down to baggage claim when the Delta flight gets in from Memphis. Something tells me a few bags are going to be misplaced.

MC: That’s fine. I’ll make it quick. I want to talk to you about Tim Tebow. See if you know why the media is giving him such a hard time.

D: You want to know if I am responsible?

MC: Maybe.

D: Let me put it this way. I’ve been following Tebow closely. But no, I don’t have anything to do with how the media treats him. Not yet anyway.

MC: Do you think the media is being unfair to him? Seems a little biased to me.

D: Of course. The media kills him week after week. And for what? All he does is win football games. But I can promise you one thing. As long as I have connections at FOX…

MC: Wait. You have connections at FOX?

D: [laughs] Do I have connections at FOX? You kidding me? I run that place.

MC: How deep are these connections?

D: Two words. Bo. Bice.

MC: That explains a lot actually. But what about Tim Tebow?

D: Long story short, I hope the media continues to bash him.

MC: So he’ll cave? Quit preaching?

D: Oh no, he won’t shut up. He’s too into the “Jesus thing” to shut up. He seems genuine. No, I hope the media stays after him so you Christians continue to turn him into a martyr.

MC: What do you mean?

D: What do I mean? You should hear Christians talk about how persecuted he is! It’s crazy. Don’t get me wrong, I think people are crazy for what they’ll endure for Jesus but Tim Tebow is not persecuted.

MC: Go on.

D: Don’t people around the world die for Jesus?

MC: Yes.

D: That’s persecution, right? You have real people who are actually dying for their faith. Those people are the real martyrs. I mean, what’s the worst that happens to Tim Tebow? He gets made fun of by Jake Plummer? Really?!? Jake Plummer sucks.

MC: Fair enough.

D: I’ll put it this way. You can’t be a martyr and still have the top selling jersey in the NFL.

MC: Makes sense to me.

D: Seriously, if you are going to hate Tim Tebow, you can’t hate him as a person. Hate him as a football player. Hate him because his third down conversion percentage is terrible. Or because his accuracy is embarrassing. But hating a guy who stands up for what he believes in. That’s low even for me. And I’m the freakin’ prince of darkness.

MC: So you aren’t worried about him preaching? He seems to use his platform to talk about Jesus a lot.

D: You’re telling me! He won’t shut up about it either. Look, I don’t even think Jesus watches football. But my-oh-my, he’s practically winning every game for Denver this year.

MC: You think Jesus is blessing Tebow? Does that explain it?

D: No. I think it has more to do with me being a Raiders fan. Tebow is caught in the middle of a cosmic struggle for AFC West supremacy. Nothing more.

MC: It’s just about football?

D: The Broncos have won six in a row. Meanwhile, still no cure for cancer! You tell me if it’s about more than just football.

MC: What about Tebow’s influence? He’s all over ESPN. He thanks Jesus all the time.

D: I know! It drives me crazy! Don't be stupid. Of course influence is important. Look, I’ve thought about this a lot. Believe me, if I could find a Muslim quarterback or a gay quarterback. Or better yet, a gay, Muslim quarterback! If I could make that happen… wow. I would have it made in the shade.

MC: There’s no such thing as a gay Muslim. You know that, right?

D: You’re probably right. But hey, can’t a guy dream?

MC: It’s highly offensive, but sure. I guess you can.

D: I'd even settle for a halfway decent atheist chicken restaurant so I can stop going to... [Bronco highlights come on the TV above the bar] Ugh. There he is again. Look at him. He’s pointing to the sky. Drives me insane. And Tebowing?!? Have you heard of that?

MC: Where you get down on one knee and pose like you’re praying? Yeah, I’ve seen it. And?

D: Oh nothing. I think it’s hilarious. Just the other day, Hitler was goofing around and…

MC: Please stop.

D: Oh, right. Let me tell you what the worst part of all this is. It’s not like Tebow even does the whole… what do you call it… health and wealth gospel stuff. You know, believe in Jesus and he’ll make you rich? [laughs] Man, that is the best lie I’ve come up with since that one apple thing.

MC: A lot of Christians believe that.

D: I know! And maybe that’s what I can get Tebow to start saying! “Believe in Jesus and you too can throw… err… run for touchdowns like me!” [he jots down a note on a napkin] I should send him some Joel Osteen books or something.

MC: You’re familiar with Joel Osteen?

D: You kidding me? Been around Joel for years. I’m telling you, if I could get Tebow to sound more like Joel, I wouldn’t have to spend half the year in Houston. Good Tex-Mex but man, it’s hot down there.

MC: Wait, aren’t you from…

D: Yeah, I know that sounds a little ironic, me complaining about the heat in Houston, being from hell and all. But hell has more of a dry heat.

MC: Like Arizona?

D: Exactly like Arizona. We’ve got the same gun laws and everything! No In-and-Out Burgers though. Just a Burger King on every freakin’ corner.

MC: So, for the record, you don’t hate Tim Tebow?

D: No, I’ve got nothing against Tebow personally. I think he’s probably the kind of guy we’d all want our daughters to marry. You know what I mean?

MC: You have a daughter?

D: Three actually. Lindsay Lohan, Lady Gaga and Nancy Reagan. Nancy was from a previous marriage.

MC: Nancy Reagan is your daughter? No. I’m not going to believe that. Sorry. Wasn’t she responsible for the “Just Say No” campaign?

D: Ridiculous! That whole thing was supposed to be sarcastic! Like, “Hey kids, who wants to have a good time and be really popular anyway? Being cool is for the birds! Just say no!” Ugh. People totally misinterpreted it.

MC: Okay. I think we’re done here. I have to catch my flight.

D: Wait. Are you on the 7:05 to Atlanta? [smiles] Wouldn’t get on that one if I were you.

MC: Do you mean…

D: [laughs] I’m just kidding! It’s perfectly safe. But I made sure you got a middle seat.

MC: I assumed.

Spike in Unplanned Pregnancies Linked to Early Celebration of Christmas

BOSTON – As the leaves change colors and the calendar rolls into November, many Americans will begin anticipating the approaching holiday season. For those looking forward to Thanksgiving weekend, this time of year is typically a merry one. However, a disturbing trend has recently surfaced among women that begin celebrating Christmas the first week of November. According to the Boston Association of Libido and Leisure Studies, or BALLS, tests suggest that communities that begin decorating for Christmas early have a higher percentage of unplanned pregnancies. “It’s odd,” says BALLS president Henry Potter, “but the numbers prove it. If you celebrate Christmas before Thanksgiving, there is a greater chance that you will get pregnant out of wedlock. [It’s] almost certain.” Researchers agree. “Fundamentally, it boils down to a lack of self-control” explained Dr. George Bailey, a licensed OB-GYN and part-time mall Santa. “People need to learn to keep their trees in their attics. Most believe that they can decorate in a safe manner, maybe it's an occasional cup of eggnog or perhaps the Manheim Steamroller CD finds its way into the car, but abstinence is the only way to be 100% safe.” Yet despite the risk of conceiving an unplanned child, these risky celebrators continue to break out the Christmas music as soon as they put away the Halloween candy. Mary Hatch claims that she has put up her tree on November 1^st her entire life. “Look, maybe my problem is that I love it too much, which is exactly why I can’t wait. Is that wrong?” Hatch closed her eyes as she continued, “It’s just such a special time. Your loved ones gathered ‘round. [You get] a warm feeling of contentment pulsing through your body. The smell of nutmeg permeates the… oh, wait… are you talking about Christmas? Never mind then.” According to the BALLS study, out of the 1,000 women polled who celebrate Christmas early, nearly 550 woke up sick on November 1st . Too much Halloween candy? Perhaps. Or maybe it's just a hormonal shift caused by a growing baby. To Potter, the connection is obvious. “Women need to realize that they aren’t just stringing up popcorn, they are playing with fire. I promise you, as soon as the tinsel comes out, a zygote begins growing in your uterus. It’s pure science.” Additionally, Dr. Bailey encourages women thinking about engaging in premature celebration to take early November into their own hands. “Some women tell themselves that it is the man’s responsibility to keep Christmas in December.” Bailey states, “But once the Yule log comes out, there’s no going back.” On a positive note, women who do conceive a child by making an Advent paper chain in November will no doubt see the benefit in using a similar craft project to count down the 40 weeks of their inevitable pregnancy.

A letter to my friend Chad about Two and a Half Men

Chad –

Brominator! Hey, are you excited about the new season of Two and a Half Men? It starts in just a few days!!!!! Time to rearrange my Monday nights again!!! LOL! Nine seasons and it is still going strong! I bet shows like Arrested Development and that one Arron Sorkin show about a show (real original) wish they could have been half the show Two and a Half Men is. They just didn’t have what it takes. They just couldn’t handle the truth. Ha! That’s funny because Aaron Sorkin wrote A Few Good Men… which is crap. Who wants a few good men when you can have two and a half great men? Answer? Not me.

Alright Bro Diddley, shoot straight with me. What do you think about Ashton Kutcher stepping in? Answer? It’ll be totally amazing. I hear they are going to do some hilarious crap with his character. And why wouldn’t they?!? It’s got to be such a blessing for the writers to have a trained thespian with the range that AK has. I mean, like five years ago, he made trucker hats popular! Talk about ironic. Young, white, urban males wearing hats typically reserved for rural truck drivers. Ha! If he can do that, stepping into a well-oiled machine like Two and a Half Men is like Leonardo Da Vinci playing on the 1996 Chicago Bulls. It would just make a great thing greater! Wait. Back to my metaphor. You might be wondering how a dead artist could really help the greatest team in NBA history? Answer? Because Bill Wennington sucked.

Annnnd… the KutchMan knows sitcoms like the back of his neck. Do you remember That 70’s Show? You do? Well, do you remember the short-lived That 80’s Show? It ran like, 13 episodes in 2002. The people at FOX thought it would be a sure hit since people really liked That 70’s Show. But guess what? People didn’t like it at all. Most of them claimed, “You just can’t change one number in the title and expect us to watch it… blah, blah, blah.” But I bet you the creators of That 70’s Show were all like, “we can’t hear you because we’re too busy making television gold.” (Haters gonna hate)

But seriously, those people need to pull their head out of the ground. Do you know why That 80’s Show was an absolute disaster but That 70’s Show became the most important program of our generation? Look no further than the guy who gave us Punk’d and Dude, Where’s My Car? and A Lot Like Love. Ashton Kutcher was the reason! Take that to the bank. He was also in Butterfly Effect but I think I must have missed something because I have no idea what-the-balls that movie was about. Not one single butterfly in the whole movie. Just that big guy from My Name is Earl. Depressing.

Yeah Bro-ceratops, I can’t wait to see what AK will do on Monday night. I bet he’s going to say some real snarky stuff! Ashton will probably be cutting jokes like he cuts up Demi Moore’s food. That’s funny because she is old and probably has dentures! Gum disease! Ha! Okay… enough fooling around. Ashton Kutcher is the secret sauce that will keep this show tasting great. And once you get a taste of Two and a Half Men on your tongue, you’ll never want bland television again. There’s going to be all sorts of new material! I'll bet you $5 that AK will really put Alan in some new situations when he moves into Charlie’s place! Should be a riot!

It's been such a wild ride watching the show evolve over the years... and the changes have just begun! Buckle up, huh? I mean, when the show started, Jake really was just half a man, but now he's practically a full-grown man. I bet co-creator/executive producer Chuck Lorre never thought about that! But hey, what a good problem to have! Unlike SARS, which is an example of a bad problem to have.

So yeah, the timing just seems right, with AK and all. It was time for Charlie’s character to go anyway. It is probably better for all of us that he went crazy when he did. Good for everyone except those two models he lives with. It’s pretty much all bad news for those girls.

I know you always say that it’ll never be better than season 2-4 and you may be right. Remember the episode when the guys went to Evelyn’s ex-husband’s funeral? Season 2, episode 21… I think. Man, that was pure gold. Pure. Gold. Oh, and the season 3 premiere, “Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts” should have earned them the Emmy right then and there! Gosh, I wish it could be 2005 again!

You know who else wishes it was still 2005? Howie Day. Whatever happened to that guy? Seriously, “Collide” is a great song. But I bet even his mom asks sometimes, “Who sang that one collide song? Was that Gavin DeGraw?” And then Howie is like, “That was me, Mom.” Also, remember that band, Bowling for Soup? Who would have thought they would be a one hit wonder?

In conclusion Bro Montana, I’m hopeful for the future of Two and a Half Men. They haven’t let us down yet, that’s for dang-sure. You don’t get to be the most watched comedy on television by mistake. Are you taking notes 30 Rock? And if loving shows about sex-crazed hedonists and kids who say witty things that kids would never say in real life is wrong, then I am all kinds of wrong.

N-E-Hoo, I’ll call you right before the show starts on September 19^th. That way, we can watch the show together. Like old times. But you have to talk. I’m not just going to call and listen to heavy breathing for 30 minutes. I haven’t done that since I was in the Navy.

Your friend,

Eric

TOMS Announces New "One Shoe = One Flesh" Initiative

This post is a parody. So, don’t get too worked up. However, the inspiration for this fake news story is rooted in a very interesting event. You should start here. Then, read on.

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COLORADO SPRINGS – Five minutes on a typical college campus will tell you that the only thing culturally sensitive college students like more than fair trade coffee are TOMS shoes. These simple, canvas slippers have exploded onto the fashion scene over the past several years, primarily under a marketing strategy cleverly disguised as charity. The premise is simple, consumers buy one pair of TOMS shoes and the company gives a pair to a child in an underdeveloped part of the world. White people in the United States fit into the hipster scene. Black kids in Africa don’t get fungal infections. This is what experts call a “win/win.”

This type of hip-goodwill has made TOMS a hit with evangelicals. A partnership between TOMS and Focus on the Family, the unofficial leader of the rightwing Christian movement, was rumored to be in the works. However, after a recent speaking engagement at the Focus on the Family headquarters by TOMS founder Blake Mycoskie, the shoe company seems to be trying to distance itself from the Colorado Springs based organization.

In a recent statement, the TOMS founder stated, “I honestly had no idea that a conservative organization that has publically backed Republican candidates for years, one with the word ‘family’ in the title, would oppose homosexual marriage. Had I known that Focus on the Family put so much focus on the family, I would have never accepted that speaking engagement.” Mycoskie continued, “I am deeply saddened that I even walked into that dirty, hateful building and instead of encouraging thoughtful dialog between two parties that disagree over an important issue, I will instead just paint ‘James Dobson sucks’ on a water tower. That, of course, is what grownups do.”

Mycoskie later revealed that steps are in place to further distance TOMS from Focus on the Family with the brand new “One Shoe = One Flesh” initiative. “[We] have nearly reached our goal of flooding every fragile market in the world with TOMS shoes and once every last native shoe salesman in Ghana has been put out of business,” Mycoskie shouted from atop a water tower outside of Colorado Springs, “it will be time for the next chapter in TOMS Shoes!”

Beginning in 2012, Mycoskie announced, TOMS Shoes will no longer provide shoes for the Third-World. Instead, every time someone buys a pair of TOMS shoes, a gay couple will automatically get married. “We’re happy to continue the TOMS tradition of giving through this new program,” Mycoskie confessed. “I think our customers will love knowing that just by buying a pair of shoes, they will be bringing two homosexuals together in holy matrimony. It’s really beautiful. And, really anti-Focus on the Family, which is the main point.”

The company, which is a for-profit charity, is still very hush-hush about the new initiative. However, Mycoskie did reveal the gist of the plan. “Basically, the moment a customer slips on a new pair of TOMS, a gay couple somewhere in the world will instantly be married. Full rights and benefits. Legally married. Boom! Just like that!” Mycoskie sat in a large wingback chair, gently stroking a cat that purred comfortably in his lap as he spoke, “We’re also trying to figure out a way to throw an adopted baby into the marriage, you know, just to piss Focus on the Family off even more. [There are] lots of possibilities, we’ll just have to wait and see.”

While the shoe company admits there are still some logistics to work out, specifically, whether or not it is possible that a shoe purchase could cause two straight dudes to get married by mistake, TOMS is excited about the future. “The sky’s the limit, really.” Mycoskie said while stabbing a doll that resembled James Dobson, “This will teach Focus on the Family not to trick trendsetting entrepreneurs.” At press time, Mycoskie was trying to determine whether or not Bert and Ernie, who are viewed by many as the unofficial TOMS spokespuppets, have feet.