Study Claims America’s Women Not Ready for Shorts Weather

EDMOND, OK – In a recent survey, nearly 100% of Caucasian women, ages 16-34, admitted that their legs are “not yet ready for shorts weather.” According to the Patriotic Association of Short and Tall Youths, or PASTY, opting to wear jeans in nearly 80-degree weather so as to not “blind everyone” is an annual tradition for most women. “Ugh” stated 23 year-old nursing student Jenna Brown. “There’s no way I’m wearing shorts until I get some color on my legs.” Yet most of the women surveyed failed to see the paradox they encounter each spring. Psychologist Harvey Brennan explains, “One cannot get any sun on one’s legs unless one wears shorts. And yet, one won’t wear shorts because one’s legs don’t have enough sun on them. This poses a problem.” As dire as the situation may seem, clinical experts are urging women to find solutions quickly. Dr. Matthew DiCarlo, a licensed dermatologist, spoke with the Musing Carnival about the crisis. “Yes, melanoma is extremely dangerous,” Dr. DiCarlo pointed out, “but seriously, girlfriend… is your skin grey? How is that even possible? You’ve got to get some tan on those legs... lookin’ all like Casper up in here.” It appears that the great melanin struggle will continue for the nation’s women. However, sources suggest that some women have opted to take matters into their own hands. Ruth Anne Bradshaw, mother of four, has sworn off shorts all together. “Darling, shorts are for Tri Delts and prostitutes.” Ms. Bradshaw added, “Wearing capri pants all summer has multiple blessings. But the biggest perk? I haven’t shaved past my knees since the first Bush administration.” At press time, Ms. Bradshaw claimed that no pun was intended.