Spike in Unplanned Pregnancies Linked to Early Celebration of Christmas

BOSTON – As the leaves change colors and the calendar rolls into November, many Americans will begin anticipating the approaching holiday season. For those looking forward to Thanksgiving weekend, this time of year is typically a merry one. However, a disturbing trend has recently surfaced among women that begin celebrating Christmas the first week of November. According to the Boston Association of Libido and Leisure Studies, or BALLS, tests suggest that communities that begin decorating for Christmas early have a higher percentage of unplanned pregnancies. “It’s odd,” says BALLS president Henry Potter, “but the numbers prove it. If you celebrate Christmas before Thanksgiving, there is a greater chance that you will get pregnant out of wedlock. [It’s] almost certain.” Researchers agree. “Fundamentally, it boils down to a lack of self-control” explained Dr. George Bailey, a licensed OB-GYN and part-time mall Santa. “People need to learn to keep their trees in their attics. Most believe that they can decorate in a safe manner, maybe it's an occasional cup of eggnog or perhaps the Manheim Steamroller CD finds its way into the car, but abstinence is the only way to be 100% safe.” Yet despite the risk of conceiving an unplanned child, these risky celebrators continue to break out the Christmas music as soon as they put away the Halloween candy. Mary Hatch claims that she has put up her tree on November 1^st her entire life. “Look, maybe my problem is that I love it too much, which is exactly why I can’t wait. Is that wrong?” Hatch closed her eyes as she continued, “It’s just such a special time. Your loved ones gathered ‘round. [You get] a warm feeling of contentment pulsing through your body. The smell of nutmeg permeates the… oh, wait… are you talking about Christmas? Never mind then.” According to the BALLS study, out of the 1,000 women polled who celebrate Christmas early, nearly 550 woke up sick on November 1st . Too much Halloween candy? Perhaps. Or maybe it's just a hormonal shift caused by a growing baby. To Potter, the connection is obvious. “Women need to realize that they aren’t just stringing up popcorn, they are playing with fire. I promise you, as soon as the tinsel comes out, a zygote begins growing in your uterus. It’s pure science.” Additionally, Dr. Bailey encourages women thinking about engaging in premature celebration to take early November into their own hands. “Some women tell themselves that it is the man’s responsibility to keep Christmas in December.” Bailey states, “But once the Yule log comes out, there’s no going back.” On a positive note, women who do conceive a child by making an Advent paper chain in November will no doubt see the benefit in using a similar craft project to count down the 40 weeks of their inevitable pregnancy.