Thursday, September 15, 2011

A letter to my friend Chad about Two and a Half Men

Chad –

Brominator! Hey, are you excited about the new season of Two and a Half Men? It starts in just a few days!!!!! Time to rearrange my Monday nights again!!! LOL! Nine seasons and it is still going strong! I bet shows like Arrested Development and that one Arron Sorkin show about a show (real original) wish they could have been half the show Two and a Half Men is. They just didn’t have what it takes. They just couldn’t handle the truth. Ha! That’s funny because Aaron Sorkin wrote A Few Good Men… which is crap. Who wants a few good men when you can have two and a half great men? Answer? Not me.

Alright Bro Diddley, shoot straight with me. What do you think about Ashton Kutcher stepping in? Answer? It’ll be totally amazing. I hear they are going to do some hilarious crap with his character. And why wouldn’t they?!? It’s got to be such a blessing for the writers to have a trained thespian with the range that AK has. I mean, like five years ago, he made trucker hats popular! Talk about ironic. Young, white, urban males wearing hats typically reserved for rural truck drivers. Ha! If he can do that, stepping into a well-oiled machine like Two and a Half Men is like Leonardo Da Vinci playing on the 1996 Chicago Bulls. It would just make a great thing greater! Wait. Back to my metaphor. You might be wondering how a dead artist could really help the greatest team in NBA history? Answer? Because Bill Wennington sucked.

Annnnd… the KutchMan knows sitcoms like the back of his neck. Do you remember That 70’s Show? You do? Well, do you remember the short-lived That 80’s Show? It ran like, 13 episodes in 2002. The people at FOX thought it would be a sure hit since people really liked That 70’s Show. But guess what? People didn’t like it at all. Most of them claimed, “You just can’t change one number in the title and expect us to watch it… blah, blah, blah.” But I bet you the creators of That 70’s Show were all like, “we can’t hear you because we’re too busy making television gold.” (Haters gonna hate)

But seriously, those people need to pull their head out of the ground. Do you know why That 80’s Show was an absolute disaster but That 70’s Show became the most important program of our generation? Look no further than the guy who gave us Punk’d and Dude, Where’s My Car? and A Lot Like Love. Ashton Kutcher was the reason! Take that to the bank. He was also in Butterfly Effect but I think I must have missed something because I have no idea what-the-balls that movie was about. Not one single butterfly in the whole movie. Just that big guy from My Name is Earl. Depressing.

Yeah Bro-ceratops, I can’t wait to see what AK will do on Monday night. I bet he’s going to say some real snarky stuff! Ashton will probably be cutting jokes like he cuts up Demi Moore’s food. That’s funny because she is old and probably has dentures! Gum disease! Ha! Okay… enough fooling around. Ashton Kutcher is the secret sauce that will keep this show tasting great. And once you get a taste of Two and a Half Men on your tongue, you’ll never want bland television again. There’s going to be all sorts of new material! I'll bet you $5 that AK will really put Alan in some new situations when he moves into Charlie’s place! Should be a riot!

It's been such a wild ride watching the show evolve over the years... and the changes have just begun! Buckle up, huh? I mean, when the show started, Jake really was just half a man, but now he's practically a full-grown man. I bet co-creator/executive producer Chuck Lorre never thought about that! But hey, what a good problem to have! Unlike SARS, which is an example of a bad problem to have.

So yeah, the timing just seems right, with AK and all. It was time for Charlie’s character to go anyway. It is probably better for all of us that he went crazy when he did. Good for everyone except those two models he lives with. It’s pretty much all bad news for those girls.

I know you always say that it’ll never be better than season 2-4 and you may be right. Remember the episode when the guys went to Evelyn’s ex-husband’s funeral? Season 2, episode 21… I think. Man, that was pure gold. Pure. Gold. Oh, and the season 3 premiere, “Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts” should have earned them the Emmy right then and there! Gosh, I wish it could be 2005 again!

You know who else wishes it was still 2005? Howie Day. Whatever happened to that guy? Seriously, “Collide” is a great song. But I bet even his mom asks sometimes, “Who sang that one collide song? Was that Gavin DeGraw?” And then Howie is like, “That was me, Mom.” Also, remember that band, Bowling for Soup? Who would have thought they would be a one hit wonder?

In conclusion Bro Montana, I’m hopeful for the future of Two and a Half Men. They haven’t let us down yet, that’s for dang-sure. You don’t get to be the most watched comedy on television by mistake. Are you taking notes 30 Rock? And if loving shows about sex-crazed hedonists and kids who say witty things that kids would never say in real life is wrong, then I am all kinds of wrong.

N-E-Hoo, I’ll call you right before the show starts on September 19th. That way, we can watch the show together. Like old times. But you have to talk. I’m not just going to call and listen to heavy breathing for 30 minutes. I haven’t done that since I was in the Navy.

Your friend,


1 comment:

Tamara Hart Heiner said...

Hi Eric,

Sorry to contact you through your blog comments,, but I couldn't find an email for you!

I'm an author and would like to write a book to help Joplin raise money. This would be my first attempt at a non-fiction book, and I'm quite excited about it. I'd like to include in it the first hand experiences of a dozen or so Joplin residences. Would you be willing to talk to me? I'd need about an hour of your time on the phone, and perhaps a few follow up calls/emails.

I blogged about my idea yesterday. Feel free to check it out. I'm hoping to get a lot of people interested in the project.

I'll give you more details about how we proceed if you're interested.