TOMS Announces New "One Shoe = One Flesh" Initiative

This post is a parody. So, don’t get too worked up. However, the inspiration for this fake news story is rooted in a very interesting event. You should start here. Then, read on.

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COLORADO SPRINGS – Five minutes on a typical college campus will tell you that the only thing culturally sensitive college students like more than fair trade coffee are TOMS shoes. These simple, canvas slippers have exploded onto the fashion scene over the past several years, primarily under a marketing strategy cleverly disguised as charity. The premise is simple, consumers buy one pair of TOMS shoes and the company gives a pair to a child in an underdeveloped part of the world. White people in the United States fit into the hipster scene. Black kids in Africa don’t get fungal infections. This is what experts call a “win/win.”

This type of hip-goodwill has made TOMS a hit with evangelicals. A partnership between TOMS and Focus on the Family, the unofficial leader of the rightwing Christian movement, was rumored to be in the works. However, after a recent speaking engagement at the Focus on the Family headquarters by TOMS founder Blake Mycoskie, the shoe company seems to be trying to distance itself from the Colorado Springs based organization.

In a recent statement, the TOMS founder stated, “I honestly had no idea that a conservative organization that has publically backed Republican candidates for years, one with the word ‘family’ in the title, would oppose homosexual marriage. Had I known that Focus on the Family put so much focus on the family, I would have never accepted that speaking engagement.” Mycoskie continued, “I am deeply saddened that I even walked into that dirty, hateful building and instead of encouraging thoughtful dialog between two parties that disagree over an important issue, I will instead just paint ‘James Dobson sucks’ on a water tower. That, of course, is what grownups do.”

Mycoskie later revealed that steps are in place to further distance TOMS from Focus on the Family with the brand new “One Shoe = One Flesh” initiative. “[We] have nearly reached our goal of flooding every fragile market in the world with TOMS shoes and once every last native shoe salesman in Ghana has been put out of business,” Mycoskie shouted from atop a water tower outside of Colorado Springs, “it will be time for the next chapter in TOMS Shoes!”

Beginning in 2012, Mycoskie announced, TOMS Shoes will no longer provide shoes for the Third-World. Instead, every time someone buys a pair of TOMS shoes, a gay couple will automatically get married. “We’re happy to continue the TOMS tradition of giving through this new program,” Mycoskie confessed. “I think our customers will love knowing that just by buying a pair of shoes, they will be bringing two homosexuals together in holy matrimony. It’s really beautiful. And, really anti-Focus on the Family, which is the main point.”

The company, which is a for-profit charity, is still very hush-hush about the new initiative. However, Mycoskie did reveal the gist of the plan. “Basically, the moment a customer slips on a new pair of TOMS, a gay couple somewhere in the world will instantly be married. Full rights and benefits. Legally married. Boom! Just like that!” Mycoskie sat in a large wingback chair, gently stroking a cat that purred comfortably in his lap as he spoke, “We’re also trying to figure out a way to throw an adopted baby into the marriage, you know, just to piss Focus on the Family off even more. [There are] lots of possibilities, we’ll just have to wait and see.”

While the shoe company admits there are still some logistics to work out, specifically, whether or not it is possible that a shoe purchase could cause two straight dudes to get married by mistake, TOMS is excited about the future. “The sky’s the limit, really.” Mycoskie said while stabbing a doll that resembled James Dobson, “This will teach Focus on the Family not to trick trendsetting entrepreneurs.” At press time, Mycoskie was trying to determine whether or not Bert and Ernie, who are viewed by many as the unofficial TOMS spokespuppets, have feet.