Sunday, May 22, 2011

Oprah Talks God Into Postponing Rapture

CHICAGO, IL – Despite plans for Judgment Day to take place on Saturday, May 21st, Oprah Winfrey further cemented her status as the most powerful woman in the universe by convincing God to delay the End of Days by at least a week. According to Oprah, “I called in an old favor and asked God to push the rapture back until after my final show airs on Wednesday.” The talk show host added, “I know that the Almighty has been planning the return of Christ for thousands of years but I really think y’all are going to like [the show]. We have a lot of surprises planned!” Sources say that while rescheduling the rapture isn’t a simple task, heaven officials are optimistic that the new date will be easy to predict using secret codes hidden in the Bible. God could not be reached for comment, but did release a statement in which he said he was “extremely sorry for the trouble the change will cause Harold Camping” and regrets printing the 6 billion Got Rapture? May 21, 2011 t-shirts he had on hand to pass out to Judgment Day attendees. It takes a powerful woman to put the brakes on the End Times. However, heaven officials claim that Ms. Winfrey made an extremely compelling case. “Once we saw that Michael Jordan was booked for the final show,” the statement read, “and that she was planning on giving everyone in the audience an Ipad, a goodie bag of Andre Walker hair products and a 2012 Kia Sorento, we decided that it was in the best interest of mankind to push pause on the rapture until further notice.” According to a follow up comment posted on his facebook fan page late Saturday night, it seems God is content with the decision. “This would have been a completely different story if Donald Trump had decided to run for president. But now there’s no rush." God also added, "The sun won't burn out for another 1,000 years anyway.” While heaven officials are silent on when the rapture will eventually take place, sources claim they are strongly considering October 21, 2021, the day the Chicago Cubs are scheduled to finally win the World Series.

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