The Devil's Thoughts on Chick Fil-a

In recent weeks, Chick Fil-a has been in the midst of public relations firestorm after president Dan Cathy voiced opposition to gay marriage. While the historically conservative fast food chain is bracing for backlash from the gay community and national media, conservatives are rallying in support of the Atlanta-based company. At the center of the hysteria, one has to wonder, “What does the Devil think about all this?” Luckily, I was able to catch up with the Prince of Darkness and ask him myself.

Musing Carnival: Thanks again for agreeing to meet with me. You mind if I record this?

The Devil: Don’t mind at all. But just an FYI, when you play it back, it’ll just sound like white noise.

MC: Noted.

D: Just don’t want you to be surprised.

MC: Are you doing well?

D: Can’t complain. Business is good. Hey, you mind if I smoke?

MC: Not at all.

D: [pulling out a lighter from his coat pocket] So what’s on your mind this time?

MC: I’d like to talk to you about the Chick Fil-a gay marriage debate.

D: I heard about that. What’s the deal again?

MC: Well, Dan Cathy, the president of Chick Fil-a, publically stated a few weeks ago that his company supported the traditional view of the family and opposed gay marriage.

D: [lighting his cigarette] And this guy’s a Christian right?

MC: Oh yeah. Big time.

D: And everyone knew this?

MC: Yes.

D: Hold on. Isn’t Chick Fil-a closed on Sundays?

MC: Yes. Drives a lot of people crazy, actually.

D: Don’t get me started on places being closed on Sundays. Everything is closed on Sundays in hell. Except for Subway. I’m so sick of Subway.

MC: Anyway, yes, Cathy believes closing on Sundays is the right thing to do.

D: Let me get this straight. Someone asked a Southern Baptist who, because of his religious beliefs, closes his restaurants on Sundays, about his views on gay marriage and then they got all worked up because he answered like they knew he would? That’s what this is about?

MC: Well, it’s actually been pretty divisive. The homosexual community is planning a series of protests later this week. A group in Chicago is organizing a “kiss in” at the downtown Chicago location.

D: Ugh. Now listen, I obviously don’t have anything against gay people. And I’m not one to judge. But I don’t need to watch a bunch of people kiss simultaneously. I mean seriously, get a room. Or rooms, I guess.

MC: Some Evangelicals are nervous about the fallout.

D: Well, you guys need to do something to even the score. Have you thought about boycotting KFC?

MC: That won’t solve anything.

D: Yeah, I guess you’re right. I’m just brainstorming here… but seriously, have you seen those Famous Bowls? It’s mashed potatoes, corn, chicken, and who knows what else. I should get my friends at Westboro Baptist to hold up “God Hates Waistlines” signs in a KFC parking lot. Talk about an abomination!

MC: Have you tried one?

D: Oh, no. Not with my cholesterol.

MC: Some Christians did try to boycott Starbucks when Howard Schultz said that the company was in favor of gay marriage.

D: [laughs] Riiiight… I knew that wouldn’t catch on. That’s what makes this boycotting thing so silly. At the end of the day, brand loyalty trumps a soapbox.

MC: That’s a little harsh.

D: No it isn’t. Believe me, if a report came out claiming that holding an iPhone up to your ear could potentially turn a person gay, the first thought on most Christians’ minds would be, “But what if I use the earbuds?” Stand up for the sanctity of marriage or play Draw Something? Sounds like a toss up.

MC: Maybe. But a lot of Christians are planning on eating at Chick Fil-a this week as a way to show their support.

D: Yes! This is what makes it so perfect for you guys! I’m sure most Evangelicals are like, “So all I have to do to voice my opinion is eat more fried chicken? Finally! A cause I can get behind!”

MC: Everyone wins.

D: You guys love activism when it earns you cool points along the way. Personally, I think Toms look ridiculous. And the arch support is terrible. But what do I know? I’ve had a handlebar mustache since the 1600’s but no one would ever call me a hipster.

MC: But you can’t argue with Chick Fil-a’s practices. They are a topnotch company, maybe the best in the fast food industry. They treat their employees well and do things the right way. All built on integrity and superb customer service.

D: I know. I love it. But I have to ask, why would a fast food restaurant need to have an official stance on this issue anyway?

MC: Because, for some reason or another, this has become the hot button issue of our time.

D: But why? Everyone has an opinion. Billy Graham recently went as far as to compare America to Sodom and Gomorrah.

MC: That’s true.

D: Believe me. I remember Sodom and Gomorrah. That place was crazy! You guys have Target. A country that has a Target off of every exit can’t be compared to Sodom and Gomorrah.

MC: Graham believes that the government is rebelling against God.

D: [laughs] Of course it is! That’s what governments do. I invented that trick. I just don’t use apples anymore. But really, when did you guys start caring so much about what the government thought anyway?

MC: Most Christians believe that we need to be the moral voice of America.

D: So this is the hill you die on? What about poverty? Or fatherlessness? Those seem to be wrecking the family unit pretty well too. Can I let you in on a little secret?

MC: Yes.

D: I’m off destroying families one at a time while Christians are all bent out of shape because there is a gay kid on Glee. What in the name of Neil Patrick Harris is wrong with you guys?

MC: This is a big deal because most Christians believe that the Bible commands that marriage should only be between a man and a woman.

D: Yeah, I know. I’ve read the Bible. Gets really weird at the end.

MC: And if we are really a Christian nation…

D: [interjects] … But you’re not a Christian nation! Your country was founded on the idea that people could make up their own minds about what to believe.

MC: True.

D: And, to further prove my point, your Constitution grants equality for all people. Doesn’t that include gay people?

MC: It does. But speaking of the Constitution, it’s pretty unconstitutional for local leaders to block Chick Fil-a from opening stores in Chicago and Boston. Seems to be in direct violation of the First Amendment. Thoughts?

D: [shrugs] I’m more of a “right to bear arms” guy, myself.

MC: C’mon. I’m not letting you off the hook on this one. Do you agree with me that preventing Chick Fil-a stores from opening is too far?

D: Yes. But the entire thing is too far. It’s downright comical. Look, I’ll put it this way. I personally love what Dan Cathy said.

MC: You do?

D: Do you see how ironic this whole thing is? Jesus, who I’ll admit, I don’t get at all, ate with whores. And not just the pretty ones either! And you’ve got a guy practically telling gay people that they aren’t welcome to come in and purchase his product and widening the gap between Christians and homosexuals. Dude! Just sell chicken.

MC: In fairness, Cathy does have a right to believe whatever he wants.

D: Absolutely. Which, on the other hand, is what drives me crazy about gay people. I just want to tell them, be as gay as you want to be! But it’s like tolerance isn’t enough for them. Face it. People are going to disagree with you. Everyone has that right.

MC: I think there are some Christians trying to build bridges and encouraging open dialogue.

D: Which is why I love this whole ordeal. It’s bad PR for you Christians, really. You guys have your own music. Now you have your own fast food. Keep building that bubble, guys. My goal is to get the two sides to stop talking.

MC: I’m sure most Christians are a little embarrassed by some of the Christian music out there.

D: Really? Why? Honest to goodness, “Place in this World” gets me every time.

MC: That might surprise a few people.

D: Man, I hate that stereotype. Honestly, most “devil worship” music is too hardcore for me. I can’t even understand what they are saying half the time. But give me some Kenny Chesney and I’m set.

MC: Well, I appreciate your thoughts. Anything you’re working on that you’d like to tell us about?

D: Other than keeping Obama’s Nigerian birth certificate under wraps?

MC: Yes. Other than that.

D: In that case, no. Nothing new. Still trying to get every female between the ages of 15 and 25 to use the word, “presh” a thousand times a day.

MC: You coined that?

D: Totes! That word is straight from the depths of hell.

MC: That explains a lot actually.

D: And here’s a new one. If something is so cute that it makes you sad, call it “depreshing.” Make sense?

MC: I think we’re done here.